Judy S - Intuitive Healer

Being Homeless – Failure

2009-10-17T08:51:00.000-07:00

A select few people have known my journey of the last year. It was one of losing everything again. Very difficult to do.

I thought I was ready to go back to work, to hold a job. Four years ago I suffered a brain aneurism which left me with a brain injury. My brain could no longer function at the same speed as it used to. Multitasking was very difficult. I could only focus on one thing at a time. Too many things happening around me at once caused great panic and confusion. I thought I had it under control, but found out I didn’t. The drugs didn’t help, it would still take off.

My worse nightmares were happening. I couldn’t hold a job. Too many telephones, people, conversations around me to concentrate. Even trying to do it a few days a week seemed impossible. I would become overwhelmed, anxious, sick & tired.

After living with some friends who were helping me, the time came to leave. I went to the YWCA, but was in the wrong place. I was too tired to look further, so I slept in my car. It was very lonely in that place and I was very frightened.

What was my future to be? I had so failed. I was so ashamed. It felt like I was at the bottom of the heap with no way out. I was in the middle of failure and the shame attached to that.

When we can’t live up to others expectations of us, what is expected of us, the ideals we put on ourselves, we are failures.

The amount of work I was doing to “hide” the truth was tremendous. The few job interviews I got were difficult, just coping with trying to get there without gas money, subway fare. Trying to show up presenting an image of success, confidence while all this was going on was almost an impossible task. Eventually I couldn’t do it anymore, I gave up.

I’m a person who never gives up – keeps going on – no matter what the cost to me. I have a tremendous amount of determination & courage within me. But this time it was hopeless, I had to give up.

So I did. As I was trying to sleep in my car, I yelled out – WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW?

I heard the answer back – SURRENDER.

So I did. I called 911 and had them take me to the hospital. I was pretty broken at that moment – couldn’t even drive myself & too tired to try.

At the hospital, a Crisis Intervention Worker then asked me if I would go to a homeless shelter.

I thought “What Choice Do I Have?” “It can’t get any lower than this.”

So I allowed it. I went to the Peel Family Shelter. When I arrived there, I had nothing with me. No money, no car, no clothes. I was sent by taxi to the shelter & wasn’t allowed to go pick up my car first where my clothes were.

I felt so dirty and unclean. The shelter was an old Travel Lodge motel in Mississauga. There was nothing on the outside that said it was a shelter.

I was shown to a room with three other women. All homeless. The rooms had two bunk beds in them. Four to a room.

When you have nothing and feel dirty and unclean, that’s when the value becomes clear of everyday items. Shampoo, soap, a bath. My new roommates offered to share their possessions with me.

The shelters are run by The Salvation Army. They immediately offered me coupons to go to their Thrift Store and pick out some clothing. This wasn’t necessary as I was able to get my car that afternoon and bring clean clothes to myself.

I lived in a shelter for 6 weeks. I told no one. The shame was too great of where I was living.

The Salvation Army had stepped in to my life.

By luck, The Salvation Army had just opened a new program in Toronto. It’s called Transitional Housing program. It’s designed for anyone who needs a hand getting back on their feet. For anyone who can not do it alone. That was me. I needed help.

So I applied to the program and was accepted. August 31st I moved back to Toronto.

Finally, somewhere I applied to I was accepted by. I had put out so many resumes, only to be rejected time after time. I had beaten my own head against so many walls and felt like there was no door for me anywhere. So many times, the promise of an interview, a headhunter calling me from Workopolis or Monster.ca with a promise. So many times of answering ads, trying to get the resume right, present it the proper way. Was it this wording? That wording? Keep out the employment gaps? Trying to anticipate the questions - exhaustion. So many hopes, promises - and then nothing.

The Salvation Army showed me the door and opened it.

The program involves living in your own little bachelor apartment. It’s not luxurious, It has a bed, a desk area, a small kitchenette with microwave oven, two burners, and some cupboard space, and for me, the most luxurious item of all, a bathroom with a bathtub.

When I first arrived with my belongings, my case worker immediately asked if I had food and offered some canned soups, macaroni & cheese, some buns to get me started. I gratefully accepted the offer.

I was then given a list of all the food banks in the area where I could go for food. They all have different hours of operation and different requirements. You must register with the food banks and show them your income. That will determine how often you can use them. Whatever is available at the food banks, you are offered.

There are donations that come in to The Salvation Army. Some of the donations are brought straight into where I am living before going to The Thrift Stores.

All donations are gratefully received.

In being homeless, there is shame. In being poor, there is shame.

There is so much in our society that says this is what you have to be to be a “success.”

Does it ever really matter what the circumstances are in life that gets a person in that position?

For those that are in that position, the smallest gifts of life can be a huge luxury.

The simplest things. A warm bed, a plate of food, a shower or a bath & some clean clothes.

The Salvation Army has one saying around here – COME AS YOU ARE!

And I have found – they mean it.

And yet, there are many, who still cannot come in from the streets. For whatever reason they have, they cannot come into the warmth.

In that case, The Salvation Army goes to them.

I have become part of the choir. For Thanksgiving Sunday, we sang this song.

GIVE THANKS
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xtxmSAqMtDA&feature=related

And I was more than willing to do it.

In life, at the end of the road, do all the judgements, criticisms, fear of others judgements, fear of our own judgements, shame, embarrassment, failure, success, images really matter?

I believe NO. Those are the things that will bury a person in isolation and fear.

Stop for one moment, no matter what circumstances you are in, and give thanks for the smallest thing that is around you, the person next to you.

To The Salvation Army, I can honestly say – YOU WALK YOUR TALK!

And for those that won’t come in from the cold, you wait patiently for them. And when they come, you greet them with a welcoming smile.

You treat all human beings with dignity, respect, generosity, kindness, love.

You walk The Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen. .

Even The Salvation Army says this prayer.

To everyone, may you allow your hearts to open for one moment beyond the hustle, bustle, worry, stress of life and survival. May you open your hearts for one moment to go beyond your angers, your fears, your shame, your embarrassment, your striving for perfection – may you open your hearts for one moment to go beyond the blame, and stop – give thanks.

And when your heart is overflowing - pass the overflow along to the next.

Much love and appreciation
Judy S
http://www.judys.ca/

Alcoholics Anonymous - WOW

2009-08-22T10:37:00.000-07:00

As some of you may know, due to circumstances in my life and a brain injury, I landed in a homeless shelter for a temporary stay. It's quite a story in here, but sometimes something comes along that just knocks my socks off.

It came along in the story of Jackie B. Jackie B is a recovering alcoholic - five years now. That's impressive. She's had quite a stint as an alcoholic, and knows if she ever takes another drink, she'll be gone again. She is currently fighting the demons in her life, as becoming homeless & living in a shelter is a hard pill to swallow.

The night she arrived, we hugged "hello". It was a hug that came from our hearts - like a hug of two old souls meeting each other. I felt the warmth from her immediately.

Those in a homless shelter don't always have everything they need with them. Many are on the run & the packing has been done quite quickly.

The first thing Jackie was told by the social worker here was to get herself to a meeting - that her self-care was the most important thing for her to do.

That's how I saw AA go into action.

Anything Jackie was missing, her sponsor made sure it was there for her.

Jackie was leaving her family. The entire family is alcoholic and abusive to each other. Jackie has made the decision to walk away from them.

In a phone conversation with her father, he told her she had until Sunday (a couple of days away) to get all her stuff out of the house or he was throwing it out. She had paid him first & last months rent totalling $850.00, and he has claimed he's keeping it for storage payment. That's very expensive storage.

So Jackie has decided, let him keep it and I'll keep on walking.

When she told the AA members what had happened, they went into immediate action. Within days they arranged to have two trucks available to pick up her stuff with six men to do the lifting. They have also found her a place to stay where the rent is reasonable, the landlord is an AA member, and will help her get to meetings. She has the run of the house and the use of the barbeque in the backyard.

AA is there for her. It's quite a network of connections. Whatever is needed they go into action. They walk that extra mile for their members.

The support that I have seen go around Jackie is so inspiring to watch. The amount of stress they have removed from her is unbelievable.

Due to AA, Jackie now has a place to live with storage for the things that are important to her.

It's like watching a huge family who love & care for each other and won't let one of their members fall. They become the shoulders for each other to lean on.

And I was blessed by meeting an extraordinary woman. Jackie is so honest with her sharing of her life, what she's been through and she shares from the heart. Her compassion for the next person is mind blowing. She takes what AA gives her and passes it along freely to the next person and I seem to be one standing right behind her.

When I look at Jackie, I see a woman walking with such conviction that I know she'll make it.

As with anything, it's one day at a time, but I see a woman with determination to leave the abusive family behind her and keep going in her own direction. In her own light of love.

Me - I'm so blessed to have known Jackie.

For most, AA would be known as a meeting place for alcoholics or drug addicts.

Not so - it is so much more. It is a huge family, where the only membership fee is a desire of the heart. Because of where they have been, there is so much love, compassion & empathy that pours from their hearts. A family member is a family member and they surround that person with their hearts. No problem seems to be too large.

AA - I have watched super heroes at work.

Jackie - you inpire me in the deepest part of me.

All I had to do was watch you the first time you said "I am a recovering alcoholic in AA." It was said with such honesty and you are always offering to the next person what has been offered to you.

Can anything or anyone break our spirits? Not when we are surrounded by such love and support.

I have watched a woman share herself with such openness & honesty that I can honestly say:

I AM BLESSED.

You walk with a beauty that most people will only be able to glimpse, and sadly, they will never know it for themselves.

Much love & appreciation,
Judy S

http://www.judys.ca/

The Power Is You - Digging The Layers

2009-07-01T14:09:00.000-07:00

Why do we dig the layers? Why did I ever start digging the layers? What was the purpose?

These are questions I have asked myself many times - Why? Why? Why?

The answer always came back - to free myself!

From what?

From everything I was attached to in this consciousness. It was one thing to "talk" about "spirituality" and another to "live" it. I had done all the readings, all the books by the current gurus of spirituality and yet I still could not "free" myself from my attachments.

So the layers started to dig.

The first layer - all the initial judgements. What someone should be doing. What love, light & peace meant. How to live in harmony? If only I could make the experience stop, then I would have it. I would live in complete harmony, no discourse, no more war, no arguments.

Nothing left to fight about. Nothing left to be right about. Nothing left.

So the layers started to peel away.

What are these layers? The layers of fear, with the ultimate layer, the fear of losing power.

Power has always been seen by me as the ability to "make" things happen. To force others to bend to my will. To take charge of any situation and firmly get it in control.

When I started to walk the walk of "being in the moment", this all flew out the window. To walk this walk is to walk alone. Others will think you are crazy. Others will scream at you that you must be planning this, doing that, getting your act together.

You keep walking.

The only way I know of being able to do this is to get quiet with myself. To see beyond the anger and right into the fear. When I look straight at the fear, then I see all my feelings, my emotions, my panic and anxiety.

Will everyone abandon me if I keep walking? What if I don't fit in? Where do I belong?

And the questions start to surface.

How much am I doing to fit in?

How are my words skewed in order to avoid anyone else's hurt feelings or causing hurt to be felt by another?

How many actions am I doing to hold the love & support of others?

How afraid am I of losing their love, support, respect and everything else that goes along with it?
These are questions that only you can answer from within yourself.

And then the final question to be asked -

Does any of this still serve me?

Is this my power, or is this my disempowerment?

How many times in life have we felt "let down" by others? How many times did we leave our happiness, satisfaction, contentment in someone else's hands.

As we dig the layers, it can be discovered - they never had it in the first place. We only "think" they did.

The Time Is Now - Let The Digging Begin!

Much love & appreciation,
Judy S
http://www.judys.ca/

NOTHING & NO ONE CAN HARM YOU UNLESS YOU CHOOSE TO ALLOW IT!

2009-06-18T08:10:00.000-07:00

Oh - how important WINNING is to all of us.

Recently the statement was made:

No one and nothing can harm you unless you choose to allow it!

What does this statement mean?

In looking into this statement, it almost seemed impossible to fathom. How could this be?

And I realized, unless we seem to be winning in life, then we feel harm.

Unless we can dominate every circumstance of life, our relationships and everything around us, unless we can feel like we are winning - then we feel the opposite - loss.

In my own journey of life, I have felt loss many times. When feeling this loss, it feels like life is out of my hands - as if I have no "power" over anything.

It feels like circumstances are happening to me rather than me being in control of the circumstances.

Winning, or the feeling of winning, gives me that confirmation that I am in control of my life.

When I feel like I'm winning, then the statement of NO ONE OR NOTHING CAN HARM YOU UNLESS YOU ALLOW IT seems to be true.

But when I'm not winning, then that statement feels untrue to me.

So then the question becomes - how to experience that feeling even when loss is occurring?

I need to win - I need to control life - I need to control the relationships around me - I need to make things happen in order to feel that I have power.

The feeling of WINNING, gives that to me.

It has often been said "have no attachment to anything" as you are experiencing life.

Letting go or giving up the attachment to the result of our actions is one of the most difficult journeys to follow -

We want the outcome to be what we "think" it should be!

If that is true, then we will claim with JOY -

Nothing or no one can harm you unless you choose to allow it!

When life seems to be going against us?????????

Is it possible?

How much are you avoiding in your life because you believed you were harmed in the past?

How much effort is being spent by you in order that the past doesn't repeat itself?

Do we need to WIN in life - and is that what gives us the feeling of NO HARM?

Judy S
http://www.judys.ca

LAUGHTER - A HEALING ENERGY

2009-06-04T18:45:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been going through a really rough time, but I can honestly say, when life is getting you down - keep laughing.

There may be times when it seems hopeless. There may be times when it is too overwhelming, however, laughter can be as releasing as a good cry.

Through the tough times, I've had to use laughter a tremendous amount. I think at times if I couldn't have laughed, I would have died.

Recently, it's been tough again and a group of friends came to my rescue.

Did they have the standard platitude sayings? The "oh dear" - "we're so sorry".

Did they have the comforting pat on the shoulder?

Did they have the "there, there, dear - things will look brighter tomorrow?"

No - they brought the gift of laughter. Each one of them has a tremendous sense of humour, and definitely the gift of the glib.

It never failed. They got me laughing. As I was laughing, life didn't seem so bleak. Just the very act of laughter can be a huge release.

Picture yourself, like Santa Claus, and your tummy jiggles like a bowl full of jelly.

The next time you are really down, struggling in life - find a group of people like these ones and let yourself laugh like Santa Claus. The full, hardy laugh.

Not a tittering laugh, not a short little giggle - but a full, all out blast of laughter.

Oh Santa - HO HO HO!!!!!!

It's not only good for the soul, it's good for the body.

And life goes on!!!!!!!

Judy S
http://www.judys.ca/

Peace With The Self - Releasing The Past

2009-05-30T15:52:00.000-07:00

Over the course of many years working with many people, one of the things that holds us back from our true power, our true selves, is the past history that we carry with us. Whether this is a past life, or happening in the current life, the past holds us back.

For many of us, the past is full of fear. Fear of being hurt again, fear of releasing old wounds.

The wounds stay buried. In our subconscious and unconscious portions of us. The wounds still hold us hostage as we try to move forward in life.

Many times, we follow our minds rather than our hearts and our intuition. The mind will see a situation and stimulate the old wounds.

Take the following example. As a child, the client felt that their mother or father was not there for them. There may have been feelings of abandonment, hurt taking place at that time. As the child grew, the child learned coping mechanisms to deal with this hurt.

However, this hurt will still surface in many situations. Take for example a simple meeting for dinner with a friend. The meeting is schduled for 6:00 pm. The name I will use for the hurt child is John.

The friend is late due to unavoidable traffic. John gets to the restaurant on time. Starts to wait.

As he is waiting, within 15 minutes, he starts to get anxious. Nervous tension takes over.

Did his friend, Bill forget the meeting? Why is he late?

What is happening is that his fear has now surfaced. His feelings are once more recurring that he felt as a child and his anger starts to rise.

Bill finally arrives at the restaurant 20 minutes late. By the time he arrives John is ready for him and barrages him with questions.

Why are you late?

Could you not call me?

You are so inconsiderate.

Did you not have a cell phone?

Why didn't you leave earlier if you knew traffic would be heavy?

And the questions go on and on. Bill then becomes defensive, trying to explain.

What usually happens is that by the time they sit down to have dinner, they are uncomfortable.

Rather than having a nice relaxing evening together sharing, they are full of resentment. The past has now come into play - a past that has not been resolved.

It is time to heal our pasts. To heal the past hurts, to resolve them. It is time to bring these to the forefront so that they no longer have the power to sabotage us.

The time is now - let the healing begin. It is time to be at peace with our spiritual souls and allow our futures to unfold before us.

http://www.judys.ca

Fear Triggers & How They Affect Us

2009-05-30T15:26:00.000-07:00

What are fear triggers?

Fear triggers are what are buried in the subconscious or unconscious portion of our mind & signal when we feel threatened. Fear Triggers can actually ignite the "fight or flight" response and many times we will not even realize they have come into play. We meet someone, or walk into a certain set of circumstances & the feeling of being threatened comes over us. Often we are not even aware of it, however, we are having very strong reactions in the moment.
How do they work?

An example of this would be a child who might have had a teacher in grade school. Let's say this teacher was very rigid & strict with the children. Day after day the child sat in the classroom feeling helpless. This was authority, so to cope, the child buried the feelings that were happening. The feelings of anger, resentment, helplessness & possibly even hate. The child is caught between the feelings they should be having - the feelings they were taught to have & the feelings they actually are having. The child may have been told you have to respect authority, pay attention to the teacher, therefore, the feelings of being helpless are never totally expressed.

Now, let's say everyday the teacher wore a red sweater & the child sat watching the red sweater. The red sweater has now developed into the fear trigger of everything that was buried at the time. This can even develop to the colour red. The child may at that point develop such a dislike for the colour "red" that as an adult the person can't stand to have the colour red around them. The colour red is now signalling the feelings of anger, resentment, hurt & pain & ultimately the feeling of being helpless. As an adult, these triggers are usually not recognized. Someone wearing a "red sweater" can ignite the trigger, the feelings of threat. The fight or flight response.
Usually, on immediate meeting, the person will then create an instant dislike of the person wearing the red sweater. As an adult, they will look for places to understand the feelings of resentment & dislike. What they will then notice about the person is the "reason" for having the feeling of dislike. They may not like the way the person speaks, acts, stands, treats their friends. They may dislike the way the person wears their hair, the clothes they wear, however, they will probably not identify that what they dislike is the feelings they are having and will probably not connect the "red sweater" as the trigger.

There are many triggers buried in our subconscious & unconscious minds. Many of these triggers are what keeps us held in the past as we are still seeking ways to resolve the feelings that were buried, and yet having these feelings were somehow wrong so we fear them. What we actually end up doing is creating more ways to keep these feelings buried.

When we bring these buried fear triggers back to the conscious mind, then we can truly move towards resolving them.

Picture with this example the person now going to a job interview & the person interviewing them just happens to be wearing a red sweater that day. The person will feel threatened even before the interview has started & may pass it off as just nervousness at the interview. There is a very good chance that the interview will not go well, and even if this is a dream job - the chance of a lifetime, there is a very good chance in play that the person will turn the job down if offered & it will never be identified that the red sweater was the culprit.

Fear triggers can be developed around almost anything. Certain foods we eat, words, phrases. Something as simple as a certain word can put us into the threatened position & fight or flight takes over.

As we become aware of our triggers, we can then recognize the patterns associated with them. The coping mechanisms, the feelings in the moment & eventually one day we notice the same triggers no longer have the power to signal the threat. The mind has then been reprogrammed & taught differently.

Who knows - this person one day may actually like red sweaters. The possibility always exists. The key lies in becoming consciously aware of the trigger.

http://www.judys.ca