Being Homeless – Failure

A select few people have known my journey of the last year. It was one of losing everything again. Very difficult to do.

I thought I was ready to go back to work, to hold a job. Four years ago I suffered a brain aneurism which left me with a brain injury. My brain could no longer function at the same speed as it used to. Multitasking was very difficult. I could only focus on one thing at a time. Too many things happening around me at once caused great panic and confusion. I thought I had it under control, but found out I didn’t. The drugs didn’t help, it would still take off.

My worse nightmares were happening. I couldn’t hold a job. Too many telephones, people, conversations around me to concentrate. Even trying to do it a few days a week seemed impossible. I would become overwhelmed, anxious, sick & tired.

After living with some friends who were helping me, the time came to leave. I went to the YWCA, but was in the wrong place. I was too tired to look further, so I slept in my car. It was very lonely in that place and I was very frightened.

What was my future to be? I had so failed. I was so ashamed. It felt like I was at the bottom of the heap with no way out. I was in the middle of failure and the shame attached to that.

When we can’t live up to others expectations of us, what is expected of us, the ideals we put on ourselves, we are failures.

The amount of work I was doing to “hide” the truth was tremendous. The few job interviews I got were difficult, just coping with trying to get there without gas money, subway fare. Trying to show up presenting an image of success, confidence while all this was going on was almost an impossible task. Eventually I couldn’t do it anymore, I gave up.

I’m a person who never gives up – keeps going on – no matter what the cost to me. I have a tremendous amount of determination & courage within me. But this time it was hopeless, I had to give up.

So I did. As I was trying to sleep in my car, I yelled out – WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW?

I heard the answer back – SURRENDER.

So I did. I called 911 and had them take me to the hospital. I was pretty broken at that moment – couldn’t even drive myself & too tired to try.

At the hospital, a Crisis Intervention Worker then asked me if I would go to a homeless shelter.

I thought “What Choice Do I Have?” “It can’t get any lower than this.”

So I allowed it. I went to the Peel Family Shelter. When I arrived there, I had nothing with me. No money, no car, no clothes. I was sent by taxi to the shelter & wasn’t allowed to go pick up my car first where my clothes were.

I felt so dirty and unclean. The shelter was an old Travel Lodge motel in Mississauga. There was nothing on the outside that said it was a shelter.

I was shown to a room with three other women. All homeless. The rooms had two bunk beds in them. Four to a room.

When you have nothing and feel dirty and unclean, that’s when the value becomes clear of everyday items. Shampoo, soap, a bath. My new roommates offered to share their possessions with me.

The shelters are run by The Salvation Army. They immediately offered me coupons to go to their Thrift Store and pick out some clothing. This wasn’t necessary as I was able to get my car that afternoon and bring clean clothes to myself.

I lived in a shelter for 6 weeks. I told no one. The shame was too great of where I was living.

The Salvation Army had stepped in to my life.

By luck, The Salvation Army had just opened a new program in Toronto. It’s called Transitional Housing program. It’s designed for anyone who needs a hand getting back on their feet. For anyone who can not do it alone. That was me. I needed help.

So I applied to the program and was accepted. August 31st I moved back to Toronto.

Finally, somewhere I applied to I was accepted by. I had put out so many resumes, only to be rejected time after time. I had beaten my own head against so many walls and felt like there was no door for me anywhere. So many times, the promise of an interview, a headhunter calling me from Workopolis or Monster.ca with a promise. So many times of answering ads, trying to get the resume right, present it the proper way. Was it this wording? That wording? Keep out the employment gaps? Trying to anticipate the questions - exhaustion. So many hopes, promises - and then nothing.

The Salvation Army showed me the door and opened it.

The program involves living in your own little bachelor apartment. It’s not luxurious, It has a bed, a desk area, a small kitchenette with microwave oven, two burners, and some cupboard space, and for me, the most luxurious item of all, a bathroom with a bathtub.

When I first arrived with my belongings, my case worker immediately asked if I had food and offered some canned soups, macaroni & cheese, some buns to get me started. I gratefully accepted the offer.

I was then given a list of all the food banks in the area where I could go for food. They all have different hours of operation and different requirements. You must register with the food banks and show them your income. That will determine how often you can use them. Whatever is available at the food banks, you are offered.

There are donations that come in to The Salvation Army. Some of the donations are brought straight into where I am living before going to The Thrift Stores.

All donations are gratefully received.

In being homeless, there is shame. In being poor, there is shame.

There is so much in our society that says this is what you have to be to be a “success.”

Does it ever really matter what the circumstances are in life that gets a person in that position?

For those that are in that position, the smallest gifts of life can be a huge luxury.

The simplest things. A warm bed, a plate of food, a shower or a bath & some clean clothes.

The Salvation Army has one saying around here – COME AS YOU ARE!

And I have found – they mean it.

And yet, there are many, who still cannot come in from the streets. For whatever reason they have, they cannot come into the warmth.

In that case, The Salvation Army goes to them.

I have become part of the choir. For Thanksgiving Sunday, we sang this song.

GIVE THANKS
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xtxmSAqMtDA&feature=related

And I was more than willing to do it.

In life, at the end of the road, do all the judgements, criticisms, fear of others judgements, fear of our own judgements, shame, embarrassment, failure, success, images really matter?

I believe NO. Those are the things that will bury a person in isolation and fear.

Stop for one moment, no matter what circumstances you are in, and give thanks for the smallest thing that is around you, the person next to you.

To The Salvation Army, I can honestly say – YOU WALK YOUR TALK!

And for those that won’t come in from the cold, you wait patiently for them. And when they come, you greet them with a welcoming smile.

You treat all human beings with dignity, respect, generosity, kindness, love.

You walk The Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen. .

Even The Salvation Army says this prayer.

To everyone, may you allow your hearts to open for one moment beyond the hustle, bustle, worry, stress of life and survival. May you open your hearts for one moment to go beyond your angers, your fears, your shame, your embarrassment, your striving for perfection – may you open your hearts for one moment to go beyond the blame, and stop – give thanks.

And when your heart is overflowing - pass the overflow along to the next.

Much love and appreciation
Judy S
http://www.judys.ca/